omg u guys. lord of the rings, you guys.
like, what’s your totes faves part of LOTR? the one where he talks at length how the not-Indians have reverted to savagery under the auspices of the literal fucking embodiment of evil in the world ever since the not-English were forced to withdraw by the collapse of their empire?
or that one time where he pines for the domination of the serfs (oops I mean noble upright yeomen farmers) by absentee landlords in Arnor?
or the whole weird undertone of having a perfect fucking race of literally immortal beings who are better at literally goddamn everything than the mortal races and we are not supposed to loathe their guts for ditching on middle earth the very instant their tea stopped coming out perfect. “alas my earl grey is a touch oversteeped. this presages the rise of the necromancer in dol guldur or some shit. laterzzzzzz *fucks off to the havens*” motherfucker get back here and put your pointy-eared ass to some good use by helping us KILL THIS SHITHEAD. or leave. that’s cool too. dick.
or how the Two Towers is 50% filler. no seriously, tell us more about the entmoot, a gathering of creatures you designed from the ground up to be ponderous and time consuming. please. I’m riveted.
man, personally I have to go with how everyone has to sing awful overwrought songs about fucking everything. especially when it’s Samwise “literally (LITERALLY) a walking caricature of the buffoonish servile working class” Gamgee doing the singing. or when Tom Bombadil shows up and everyone makes a big deal about how that particular manchild can’t be fucking bothered to actually do anything but creep everyone out by fawning over his housebound wife.
no wait, strike that. my favorite part is tolkein’s inclusion of the Easterlings - a not-Arab/ Persian people who are, no shit, CONGENITALLY EVIL save for the influence of this one maiar dipstick who will get mentioned like once. *sotto voce* notracist
oooh no no wait. how about the fact that the author is one of those luddite motherfuckers who is perfectly okay with the common person being a subsistence farmer enthralled to nobility as long as it means he doesn’t have to look at gross icky urbanization. not that he blames the underclasses for their working conditions or anything. it’s strictly a coincidence that he made Isengard into an industrialized hellhole surrounded by an encampment of literal (LITERAL) subhuman barbarians.
no but seriously, the One Ring = the Bomb; hobbits = british people; the nations of Men simultaneously = the British Empire AND America; Mordor = Russia; Isengard = Western Communists; Elves = the French; Dwarves = the Germans. I don’t give a good god damn what his estate says, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.